Now look, for the last two years I've been trying to get you all to realize that I do have a semblance of seriousness when it comes to this whole craft beer thing. To do this, I decided to go on a bit of a hiatus and really dig down deep and try to lay a finger upon what it is I need to do to show that I am indeed a force to reckon with in this industry. So what conclusion did I come up with?

Food pairings, yo!

Seriously, what better way to show you that A) craft beer is serious business, and B) I know what the hell I'm talking about!? To do that, I spoke with all the experts in the world, and broke it down by which style best pairs with which kind of food item. I put a lot of man hours into this, but now you have a quick reference guide when you're out and about and think to yourself "what will go well with this sweaty 7-11 hot-dog?"

Kölsch, Cream Ale, Blonde Ale:

Try a burrito.

British-Style Bitter:

Try a burrito.

Pale Ale:

Try a burrito.

India Pale Ale:

Try a burrito.

Double/Imperial IPA:

Try a burrito.

Amber/Red Ale:

Try a burrito.

Scotch Ale/Wee Heavy:

Try a burrito.

Brown Ale/Altbier:

Try a burrito.

Abbey Dubbel:

Put this in your mouth and eat it.

Abbey Tripel, Strong Golden Ale:

You could try a soft taco, or a "Burrito that couldn't commit."

Old or Strong Ale:

Though nachos might be more appropriate.

Barley Wine:

Nah, fuck that. Burritos.

Porter:

I don't care what's in it, as long as its wrapped in a warm tortilla

Dry Stout:

Haaaaave you met my friend Burrito?

Sweet or Oatmeal Stout:

And his friend, burrito?

Imperial Stout:

When I'm done eating a burrito, I like to wash it down with another burrito.

Hefeweizen:

You know what burritos pair well with? More burritos.

American Wheat Ale:

For now on, all future beer reviews will earn a score from 1 to 5 burritos.

American Table Beer:

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen burrito, I said "No, but I want a regular burrito later, so "Yeah."

Witbier:

Oh burrito, you so fine, you fine you blow my mind.

Dunkleweizen:

Halfway through writing this, I went and got lunch.

Weizenbock:

And then I got a burrito.

Classic Pilsner:

"A burrito is just a sleeping bag for ground beef"

Helles, Dortmunder:

Have you ever met someone who doesn't like burritos?

Oktoberfest, M arzen, Vienna:

If you have, you should bludgeon them to death.

Amber Lager:

WITH A BURRITO!

Dark Lager, Dunkel, Schwarzbier:

You know who hated burritos?

Maibock/Pale Bock:

Hitler. That is who.

Dopplebock:

So eat a burrito, with all of your beers.

Oud Bruin, Flanders, Gueze, Wild Ale, Lambic:

Because even little hamsters love burritos.

Because the only way to get credibility in this game, is to put some food on that shit. Beer is as good as wine, right?

I got fries on it.